The first few days of this blog will be pretty rapid fire because I have a lot of thoughts and writings that have trapped in my head and now, for one reason or another, I have decided to share them...
I have written song lyrics for about as long as I can remember, but lately for wholly inexplicable reasons all of them have been coming out as raps...to be honest I have freestyle rapped in my head for quite some time, but never in public and rarely in written form. Lately it seems the time has come to do something more formal with what I'm coming up with....Anyway, here's one of them. It's a little sad I suppose, but I try with my songs to pose a problem and then try and pose a solution so hopefully the optimism comes across:
"SELFISH"
Selfish, it's selfish and everyone knows it.
He blew it cause he knew that he couldn't do it.
That one moment's the one you have to guard against,
Hard against everything everyone you know has said or done.
One click of patience with yourself past gone is all it takes.
Make sure that click doesn't come. How? I wish I knew.
If I did I wouldn't know what he went through. Sometimes I have felt
selfish too. But that moment it isn't to you, it's just justice its just
the last straw pushing that one click past too much. Think once
of the rest of the pain in their chests and their thoughts of the best
they could muster must not have been nearly enough.
Tough it out they think everyone gets that way, laying the blame,
hating, then praying shame shouldn't come their come way.
They don't deserve that why didn't he ever observe that in all that time
didn't he learn to absorb and push past that?
That last bit is where it sticks. Yes he knew. He soaked it all up,
But that click brings something new. Just one thought floats slowly to the top.
Why does one live? Its to live one's own life. Living based on the feelings
of others is not nearly enough to suffice. So that click's when you realize
your life is not based on what they all visualize. You don't know what
to do next. And you don't think you have the strength to answer when pressed.
Less than that you don't seem to care and that scares you tears through your brain
snares your memory you can't maintain or see forward past one quick second of pain and no more worry no more more it won't even be blurry it won't be. You won't see their faces when flashlights find you on the floor.
And that's all you can think. If you're lucky there's still part of you that remembers those times before the brink and calls you out and pulls you back and knows its
hard but also can't lose track of all the times you've smiled about and starts to sift through what's piled up and knows that when you tell yourself your time is up that's a lie, it's all made up. But he didn't know that. That moment came. Click and this time that was it. I've had the same thoughts but we don't think the same. Its a shame. Its selfish to us. We with the luxury of watching when others fuck up.
Pay attention. Trust somebody.
I know sometimes its just time, but make sure.
I know its a disease, but even without a cure,
Wait for the moment to pass. Please.
Cautionary tales are easy to write,
but hard to repeat.
While the subject is open, let's talk about selfish. Its a relative term and quite simply subjective word of invective turn of phrase set to judge suggested societal norms. Normally I agree with the prescribed degree of help your fellow man and right the wrongs and set the ones wronged free, but it's hard to find the line. How big is the space between Gandhi and buying a box of Unicef valentines? Can I live between sparing a dime and getting the whole world to realize all the shit every day all the time? Rhymes could be seen as helpful to a few, but what's too few? Is it enough to do what you can do and hope the message will get through? And can is a big word; I can do a lot. I could give up my tv and and my DVDs and my car and feed a lot or block destruction with my body and stop a parking lot. I could shave my head and fly to Iraq or Iran or Afghanistan just to lighten the load of those that decided to take a stand. And no I don't believe in the reasons we're there but is it fair to let just some waste their seasons in defense of what they know isn't there? I can't say. I don't know. Is it right to progress without helping the rest to grow? No, I can't say it is. But I also can't say what defines doing nothing or what calls for live and let live. If you don't live can you help give life? And if you don't know your own direction do you have the right to turn others away from the edge of the knife? And who says and why not you and why not him and why doesn't someone else with more money make those peoples' light less dim. When you're in the dark yourself you're left to grope for the switch while shouting out to those around you that the shadow soon will lift, just a moment I know there's hope I think I can feel the switchplate with my fingertip. But you're just hoping too and can't even tell who you're talking to and if they knew what might that realization drive them to do? So you hold on to it, you soak it all in, you cling on to fate, and then comes the click, WAIT
( deep breaths, two bars)
Pay attention. Trust somebody.
I know sometimes its just time, but make sure.
I know its a disease, but even without a cure,
Wait for the moment to pass. Please.
Cautionary tales are easy to write,
but hard to repeat.
It might seem bleak and I guess that it is and I know that I can't say my thoughts are the same as his, but this is call out to all of you who think that its only your throat that feels like it can't shout. We all float when one boat rises and we all sink a little when we hear of hope dying. Together the level drops and climbs and if one's left alone we can all hear the crying. So cry louder or listen longer and do all you can to make all your links stronger. I'm not saying that everyone can have a hundred friends but try to keep one voice by when you feel near the end. One reminder, one teacher, one mirror. Not to solve all the sadness but just to make it that much clearer that selfish or no its up to you never is it too late to discover what you never knew and just because you didn't know doesn't mean it wasn't there and just because you can't feel it doesn't mean that the others don't care. Its scary I know its fucking terrifying but I guarantee you dark as it may be its better than dying and never knowing and never trying and and never understanding that what you do can stop someone else's crying. And really its just that one moment it doesn't last if you can hold on for that second thought I promised its past and it might come again but its always the same. It might know what you've been thinking but it doesn't know your name. It doesn't care, it doesn't feel, it doesn't breathe, it's jealous of what you have and it feeds off your grief, but it can't take hold if you see it for what it is it just takes one bold second past where the click is and then its gone then its done then its cold and there' still pain but your one step closer to taking hold, to holding off to moving on to pushing closer to the day you tell yourself that its been worse and you believe what you say.
Pay attention. Trust somebody.
I know sometimes its just time, but make sure.
I know its a disease, but even without a cure,
Wait for the moment to pass. Please.
Cautionary tales are easy to write,
but hard to repeat.
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So let me know what you think. Does it make any sense at all?
I will start a new practice with this post in that in this and every subsequent post I will tack on a song I consider fantastic in its content and/or production.
today's song: "Son of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield. This track is just about perfect...and I used the phrase "just about" because I don't know if I could ever say something is "perfect"....just listen to the kick drum on this song, it's funky, loose, and tight all at the same time
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