Sunday, November 8, 2009

An Intriguing but Irrelevant Faux Rant About Nothing.


The other night, while discussing vague politics during a friend's birthday celebration, someone in the party observed trenchantly, "It's all about red and blue", referring to the color-coded division of interests in America along mostly party based lines. Because I had nothing of value to add, stemming from my lack of desire to engage in a political debate at a large round table in a bar with a group of people who are all essentially on the same page in terms of viewpoint but like to say similar things in different ways; I chimed in with the observation that 3-D glasses, then, are the perfect metaphor for National unity. One red square and one blue square work together (though still separate) to create something fresh, forcing the crowd to look at things from a different point of view. But, immediately after uttering this, I realized that when one goes to a 3-D movie these days one is not handed a pair of cardboard frames with one lens each of red and blue cellophane. No, instead one is asked to select from a large barrel a pair of sleek, plastic frames, each individually wrapped in a plastic bag, fitted with sheik, gray, almost-actual sun-glasses-or-at-least-those-flimsy-UV-protective-film-shades-one-gets-from-the-optometrist-after-glaucoma-testing-esqe, polarized lenses. (see below)

Why does this matter you ask, doesn't it create the same effect? Yes, it does. In fact, the new glasses produce a much clearer and easier to watch effect than the old red and blues. However, if the cooperative meeting of colored plastic is a metaphor for healing the long-standing divisions of our nation by showing us that each side can remain separate, but work together to create a more progressive whole, then what are these new-fangled Ray-Bans gone awry meant to teach us? I posit that these polarized 3-D shades are nothing less than an attempt by corporations to seduce the peoples of the world by using what seems like an improved and fascinating technology to lull us in to a state of benign complacency in the guise of progression like so much Huxleyan Soma. I know some might see this as a stretch, but let's look at the facts:

1) Most 3-D movies are released by either Disney or on behalf of films designed to educate and
inspire the public with sweeping aerial vistas, but that aren't in any way enhanced by being
viewed in 3-D.

2) The majority of the new 3-D releases are that were not filmed with the intention of being in
3-D, thus there is nothing in the movie that takes advantage of the just looks
sort of embossed. (i.e. The Nightmare Before Christmas, Toy Story)

3) Most modern 3-D releases are geared towards children, thus indoctrinating the youth at an
early age to accept current methods and technology.

4) After watching a 3-D movie these days, there is a giant barrel in the theater hallway in which
one is asked to toss one's glasses. This gives the public the impression that the new point of
view is temporary and disposable and not meant for holding on to.

5) Plastic glasses individually wrapped in plastic bags that are used once and then thrown away
at the service of giant, faceless corporations that spend countless millions of dollars in the
production of something that will be seen for 90 minutes at a time for about two months and
then not seen again in that state by anyone until ten years later when the anniversary print is
re-released in theaters is a target for environmentalists and those offended by gross, needless
waste and rampant corporate spending. Thus, concerned citizens will begin to decry 3-D as a
sham and the intellectual class will abandon it...unwittingly also abandoning the promise
that red and blue 3-D has for those who enjoy ultimately meaningless but impressive
sounding metaphors laden with pseudo-political possibilities.

6) Gray is the international symbol for in-between. This tells the public that taking a stance is
not necessary to create a wondrous new prospective. Thus, the public is lured in to
complacency. No longer challenged by the difficult to focus on juxtaposition of red and blue,
we are left to simply stare through a haze of gray, feeling no motivation for change or
wider analysis.

There are some that may cry shenanigans on this treatise and suggest that I am simply wasting the public's time as I sit at work trying desperately to stave of a mindless stupor. To those people I say this: I recently spent several hours watching a group of individuals who are paid to represent the views of the american people pontificate on the fact that a certain suggested policy will create the unfathomable horror of taxpayers having to fund abortions and birth control if it passes in order to convince the rest of said body that there should be a stipulation against said problem despite the fact that, seemingly unbeknownst to those in charge of the keeping of our nation's laws, taxpayers money currently goes towards such things already. I ask you...which is more pointless? I do my work pro bono.
Ah, progress.

Coming soon: "The New Polarized 3-D Glasses: A Beacon of Lasting Peace"

"Mayonnaise" by Smashing Pumpkins from Siamese Dream. Liking Smashing Pumpkins is not easy. There is a lot of you have to have a great deal of patience with...Billy Corgan is an almost insufferably egotistical and pompous jackass, their last three albums have been almost entirely forgettable, and the always seemed to hold themselves in much higher esteem than anyone else, and, even their great albums force you to wade through a fair amount of artistic pretenstion...but, that said, every time I hear this song, I am reminded of why I put in the effort.
There is a fair amount of right time, right place with this track as it served to encapsulate my thoughts and feelings at that time with alarming succinctness. That said, there isn't a lot to analyze. The lyrics are true without being sappy and the perfectly-honed squeal of feedback in the chorus make it a strong and emotive almost ballad that expertly bridges the rare gap of honest and heavy. An unforgettable track from a stellar album. This song is my adolescence.


  1. I'm enthralled by this metaphor and your very thorough reasons that make it sound completely accurate. Very nice. An aside: I remember the first time I used the "grey" glasses and was slightly outraged by them...

  2. Thanks for reading and for commenting! I just recently started spelling grey as gray, because I kept getting a spell check alert...I think grey is the English spelling...but for some reason that's how I've always spelled it...its a gray area I guess